Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
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*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.