When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.