Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
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The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Everything reminds me of my ex
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?