“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
catch me on valentine’s day like
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My first child will be named New Folder.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
He wanted to make sure😂
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!