Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Godspeed, John Glenn
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.