“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
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When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.