i installed a ceiling fan in my room
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Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars