Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
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You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose