A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts