“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?