Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on