If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.