[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
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My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me irl
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
i was baptized in a car wash
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.