Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
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No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I am HOWLING at this
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.