[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Is this a threat?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10