Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
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Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.