Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
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Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.