It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
There’s always that one guy
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese