My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Oh boy, $150,000!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit