I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Most fashion shows these days…
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?