Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”