I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
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I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
🤣🤣🤣
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
How funny!
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!