Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
He died doing what he loved: being alive
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..