cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Received some very disappointing news today
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.