Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
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I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Dead sexy!!
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.