FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
You Might Also Like
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR