The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
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[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”