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I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
When the stylist spins you back around
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?