[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
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Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
😂😂😂
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.