Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
You Might Also Like
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Does it…does it take 3 days
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”