if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
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So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip