I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*checks Timeline*…
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
adam and eve had first world problems
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you