Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
This could’ve been an email.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking