LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.