Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
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Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.