Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”