When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
You Might Also Like
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
paddle faster i hear baby shark
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL