the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
This kinda thing happens to me often
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.