Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops