I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Coffee is ready.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha