Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
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[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
🙋♀️
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.