Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.