“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]