We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
#winning
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.