Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
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*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.