Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.