I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
#ParentingFacts
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.