Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Well, this is awkward
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My current situation
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.