13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
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When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.