You Might Also Like
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Brilliant!
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Siri: Retweet me.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀